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Wed We -- Are they "The One"?
How to identify "the one" for you
Linda Hung
September 04, 2024 • Estimated Reading Time: 6 minutes
Wednesday We’s
Are They “The One”
What does “the one” ultimately mean? When we say “the one that got away” were they genuinely the one? Today we’re going to explore the idea of “the one”.
Today’s Topics:
Choose You
The 4 Levels of Importance
Question for you to journal
Choose You
It’s OK to be disappointed that someone didn’t turn out to be the one. But don’t grieve as if they were the one. If they didn’t choose you, they’re not.
Remember the one that got away? The one where you guys instantly connected like how mac and cheese go together (or for SOME people how pineapple and pizza work heavenly together.)
It’s hard for you to forget these strong, instantaneous connections.
It’s easy to associate how they were the one…
only to see it fizzle away faster than the connection created.
But were they really “the one” if they didn’t choose you? Relationships are a two-way street, and if the other person isn’t reciprocating consistently, the relationship ends. Instead of associating this strong connection as they were “the one” remember that they didn't choose you at the end of the day.
“The One” would be a partner who consistently shows up and chooses you through thick and thin. It’s normal to yearn for these connections, but don’t associate them as if they were the one for you.
To give a change in perspective: Instead of grieving as if they were the one, grieve the disappointment of how you thought they were the one.
The 4 Levels of Importance
The 4 Levels of Importance
So if “connection” can’t be the deciding factor of “The One”, then what can? I stumbled upon Matthew Hussey’s 4 levels of importance for relationships. Many people get stuck on Level 2 (Connection) and fail to realize there are more important aspects to a relationship that make it successful.
The 4 Levels of Importance:
Level 1 — Admiration
At this level, you admire someone from afar. You don’t really know this person but there’s this tiny interest that is sparked within you to want to know them better. You may call this a fleeting feeling, or lust.
Level 2 — Connection
Connection is when the chemistry starts boiling. When the two of you are actually clicking and forming a connection with each other. This is the most addicting level as the “feel-good” hormones of dopamine and serotonin are constantly getting fired up. Many people get stuck on this level thinking the other person is “the one.” Don’t let the hormones trick you into think that as the following levels are of higher importance!
Level 3 — Commitment
Once the connection is formed, both parties need to say “yes” to each other. Now I’m not talking about at the alter, but simply saying “yes” to having a title. This is the stage after a situationship because you have defined and clearly committed to each other. Situationships are tricky since it’s a half-commitment. If you’re in a situationship, you haven’t gotten to level 3 yet, it’s more of a 2.5 because having clear commitments to each other is what allows you to feel safe and peaceful with your partner. Clear commitments could look like when the couple fights they come back together to resolve the problems and not being afraid to voice out your needs as both of you guys work to compromise and prioritize each other’s wellbeing.
But commitment is not the final level to a successful relationship. You can have two people committed to each other and yet still fail without the next level.
Level 4 — Compatibility
This is the true test to a relationship and requires both people to be honest with both themselves and to their partners. You need to answer questions like:
Do we want kids or not?
Do our financial goals align?
Does their lifestyle fit with ours?
Do we agree with each other’s religion?
Do our long-term goals fit with each other?
How do we want to raise our kids? (if we want any)
Do we have the same political views? If not, does it matter?
Many of these questions boil down to personal values and if they do not align it doesn’t matter how many times you say “yes” to each other, you two simply aren’t compatible.
The next time you think about “the one” or questioning about if your partner is “the one” this can be a useful framework to think about where you are at with them.
Question for you to journal
What are you pondering about “the one”? Are they truly “the one”?
Reflect: Reply to this e-mail and share with me your thoughts!
In Case You Missed it…
On our last Wednesday We, we talked about how relationships/friendships are self-fulfilling prophecies. In order to keep your circle of friends healthy, you need to develop a Friend Criteria. Here are the steps to creating a Friend Criteria:
Identify - who you want to be around
Reflect - who you are surrounding yourself with
Exude - the qualities you want to have in a friend from within you
Self-Fulfilling Relationships are powerful, and you can create the friendships you want to be with yourself.
Read more Monday Me Posts for alignment techniques for “Me” and Wednesday We Posts for connection tips for “We”!
That’s all for this Wednesday We. Reply to this e-mail any findings you have and let me know what topics you would like me to explore!
In the meantime, Stay Smiling 😊
Linda
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