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How to Disagree Civilly

The art of disagreements

Author

Linda Hung
October 02, 2024 • Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

Wednesday We’s

How to Disagree Civilly

Disagreements are running rampant in this social media era. We villanize people who don’t agree with us and label them as evil. But what if, we take disagreements as a chance to learn something new? What if we learn how to disagree properly to bring everyone closer to each other? Let’s dig into the art of disagreements.

Today’s Topics:

Disagreement Dilemma

Growing up, my parents bickered relentlessly.

It would always be about the stupidest thing

It was as if they were disagreeing each other for the sake of disagreeing.

Unfortunately, I unconsciously picked it up

I would disagree with my partner over the smallest, insignificant things.

Finding myself stopping and wondering, “What I’m trying to communicate?” (I didn’t even know)

To realize that I actually agree with 80% of what he was saying, but double downing on the 20% I disagree with

I misunderstood him. I strawmanned his argument.

I failed to see the bigger picture of what he was communicating.

By slowing down and learning to approach disagreements from a place of curiosity rather than defensiveness, I’ve been able to navigate arguments with more understanding, patience, and civility.

Finding Reason

“If someone disagrees with you, there is a reason. Our first job is to understand the reasoning behind their conclusions.”

Ed Catmull

With every disagreement, there is always a reason, a logic behind it. Disagreement is where we get a chance to learn something new, understand the other person’s psyche, and reframe our perspective.

The Art of Disagreeing

You’re having a peaceful chat… until you disagree with your friend. The air gets tense, your body heats up, and your head is fuming. It’s time to take a step back and understand how to disagree civilly.

Here are the 7 Steps on navigating disagreements:

Navigating Disagreements:

  1. Pause & Reflect:

    • Stop and take a deep breath

    • Ask yourself

      • “What is the main point I’m trying to communicate?”

      • “What is the other person trying to communicate?”

  2. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond:

    • Ask questions like:

      • “Why do you feel that way?”

      • “What experiences shaped your view on this?”

    • Paraphrase what the other person is saying

    • Grab confirmation by saying: “Did I miss anything?”

  3. Find Common Ground:

    • Look for shared values or beliefs in what you heard from them

    • You may disagree on some aspects, but by finding the common ground you build mutual respect first

  4. Acknowledge the Other Person’s Valid Points:

    • Recognizing the valid points shows how you are open to their perspective — it helps them feel heard

    • This step is crucial as it helps people transition to listening mode once they feel heard

  5. Offer Your Perspective:

    • Share your viewpoint without belittling theirs

    • Instead of saying: “You’re wrong.” try, “I see it differently because…”

  6. Embrace Disagreement as a Learning Opportunity:

    • Disagreements aren’t attacks. Use each disagreement as an opportunity to learn about the other person and their experiences

    • Stay open to evolving your own understanding too

  7. Agree to Disagree (if necessary):

    • Sometimes, you won’t resolve, and that’s ok.

    • Respectfully agreeing to disagree helps maintain the relationship while acknowledging the difference in views

Use this framework to disagree with others. You’ll see the difference in how others treat you.

Question for you to journal

What steps can you take to respond rather than react in your next disagreement?

Acknowledgment is the first step to restitution. Take some time to reflect on the times you have disagreed with others and left distasteful — how could you have changed that interaction?

Reflect, and email me what your findings are

In Case You Missed it…

On our last Wednesday We, we talked about How to Drop Negative Friendships. There are negative impacts of holding onto negative relationships. It takes time to understand and drop them, so here are the 3 steps on processing and dropping friendships:

  1. Recognize the Patterns

  2. Reflect on the Relationship

  3. Release and Rebuild

Read more Monday Me Posts for alignment techniques for “Me” and Wednesday We Posts for connection tips for “We”!

That’s all for this Wednesday We. Reply to this e-mail any findings you have and let me know what topics you would like me to explore!

In the meantime, Stay Smiling 😊

Linda

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