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Projections & Software Updates

Author

Linda Hung
August 14, 2024 • Estimated Reading Time: 6 minutes

Wednesday We’s

Projections & Software Updates

The longer you know someone, the quicker you assume how they will act. This is the biggest trap you can enter, leading to broken relationships based on projections. Today, we will shift our perspectives on how to view people in your relationships.

Today’s Topics:

  • Reality is Not Real

  • A Software Update of Your Understanding

  • Question for you to journal

Reality is Not Real

"We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are."

Stephen R. Covey

In 2015, I freaked the f*ck out of my mom the first time I drove a car. She kicked me off the driver’s seat within 10 minutes. Fast forward to last month, I shared with my mom how I got a learner’s permit. Instead of excitement, her first reaction was, “You?? Your reaction is so slow though!!” — She held onto the me of 2015 till now. I was offended, but I couldn’t blame her. She hasn’t seen me drive since, but I also realized my mom has never updated her understanding of me since then.

Humans are ever-evolving beings. The longer you know someone, the quicker you assume things about them, but the truth is people go through software updates. The Linda of 2015 is not the same as the Linda of 2024. I don’t blame my mom for remembering that incident, but it made me realize I must constantly update my understanding of my friends, family, and partner. When we use previous perceptions of what we know of others, we create false projections. These projections make it harder for others to prove you wrong or update your understanding of them.

What we see in reality is filtered through the lens of our perceptions. What we know of other people is not who they truly are but rather a projection of our understanding of them. Learn how to catch yourself projecting so that you can give space for them to update your understanding.

Reflect: When was the last time you had the thought “I know you…” (You’re most likely projecting)

A Software Update of Your Understanding

I recently had a “software update” with my boyfriend. I made a promise to him in the early stages of dating, which burdens me to this day. I acknowledged the previous projections of his understanding are burdening me, so I needed to update my understanding of his viewpoint. Here is the framework that I have followed to create a healthy conversation:

“Updating Understanding” Conversations:

  1. Identify the Need for an Update

    • Recognize when a previous agreement, promise, or understanding may need revisiting. This could be due to changes in perspectives, new experiences, or shifts in personal beliefs.

    • People change, so it’s important to come back to ideas you no longer resonate with — and that’s OK

  2. Reflect and Prepare

    • Journal your thoughts for clarity:

      • What you’re asking for

      • The purpose of the conversation

      • Your current perspective and stance

      • What do you need an update on from others

      • Vent out unnecessary emotions you don’t need

  3. Set the Emotional Tone

    • Enter the conversation with a clear mind, having processed any intense emotions beforehand.

    • Deep breaths and grounding exercises can help maintain a calm tone.

  4. Engage with Curiosity and Empathy

    • Ask, Don’t Assume: Approach the conversation with a mindset of curiosity

    • Instead of commenting on a statement, ask questions about the other person’s perspective — truly understand their perspective

  5. Paraphrase and Clarify

    • Reflect back on what you hear to ensure you understand correctly.

    • Use phrases like "What I’m hearing is..." or "Is that right?" to confirm your understanding.

  6. Collaboratively Update the Agreement

    • Work together to update any agreements or promises based on the new understanding

    • This should feel like a collaborative process where both parties' needs are considered.

  7. Reflect on the Outcome

    • Emotional Check-in: After the conversation, assess how you feel.

      • Did the update ease any burdens?

      • Has the relationship grown stronger?

      • Reflect on how the new understanding impacts your dynamic.

Humans change. Acknowledging that you are not the same person and how your friends, family, and partner are not the same people 3 years ago can help you strengthen your bonds.

Use this framework to help update each other’s understanding so you can build healthier relationships.

Question for you to journal

What role does fear play in my reluctance to update my understanding of someone?

Bringing up old topics can be a scary feeling. It’s hard to predict what others think or if someone would be tired of you bringing it up. Understand that fear is normal and you shouldn’t let yourself hold onto the outdated beliefs of others.

Journal about this question and reply to this email with your findings.

In Case You Missed it…

On the last Wednesday We, we talked about the “Resentment Scorecard”

Tiny annoyances build up to bigger resentments towards others. The earlier you have hard conversations about these small annoyances, the lesser you have explosive arguments. Here’s the framework to use to approach hard conversations:

  1. Identify the Situation

  2. Express Your Feelings

  3. Clarify Your Needs

  4. Propose a Solution

  5. Open to compromise

Read more Wednesday We Posts for actionable advice to improve relationships with others and more Monday Me Posts for improving your relationship with yourself

That’s all for this Wednesday We. Reply to this e-mail any findings you have and let me know what topics you would like me to explore!

In the meantime, Stay Smiling 😊

Linda

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