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The Resentment Scorecard

How many resentments have you shoved underneath the rug?

Author

Linda Hung
June 19, 2024 • Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

Wednesday We’s

The Resentment Scorecard

It’s easy to shove tiny resentments that build up over time underneath a rug. But as time passes, a resentment scorecard forms. Today we’ll be focusing on how to have hard conversations with these tiny resentments — to put out the ember before it turns into a wildfire.

Today’s Topics:

  • The Toothpaste Dispenser

  • Unaddressed Resentments

  • How to Approach Hard Conversations

  • Question for you to ask partner

The Toothpaste Dispenser

My boyfriend and I have a toothpaste dispenser that we like to use. My boyfriend used to leave a mess and not clean up after it, and when toothpaste hardens, trust me, you do not want to deal with it. As time progressed, I grew more annoyed each time there was a mess, which I had to clean up after him. This tiny resentment grew into a bigger annoyance, which caused me to have a mini blow-up towards him.

Eventually, we talked it out and understood each other’s perspectives, and he got into the habit of cleaning up any mess that was made.

We all have these tiny resentments that pop up from time to time. It’s easy to shove them under a rug, but with each iteration, the pile grows larger. When the pile grows to a certain point, you simply can’t ignore it anymore and end up blowing up at others.

Tiny resentment may be insignificant, but over time you create a Resentment Scorecard that leads to a bigger problem to solve. Take some time to put out the embers before it grows into a bigger wildfire.

Unaddressed Resentments

These lead to resentments that, if left unaddressed, can fester for years.

Ed Catmull

Resentments fester like rotten food. The more you ignore it, the worse it gets.

Reflect: What is something I find annoying with my partner that I haven’t addressed?

How to Approach Hard Conversations

Hard conversations come with different resolutions

Hard conversations are never easy, but there are ways to approach it to make it better. Here’s the framework I use before I enter any hard conversations whether it’s with my partner or with friends/family.

Approaching Hard Conversations:

  1. Identify the Situation:

    • Context: Clearly define the situation that is bothering you. Consider the specifics like when it happened, where it took place, and what exactly occurred. This ensures both parties understand the context of the conversation.

  2. Express Your Feelings:

    • Emotions: Articulate the emotions you are experiencing because of the situation. Use specific words to describe your feelings, such as bothered, disrespected, annoyed, or resentful. Be careful not to accuse your partner of inflicting these emotions onto you. (I feel misunderstood vs You made me feel misunderstood)

  3. Clarify Your Needs:

    • Purpose: Determine what you are seeking from the conversation. Are you looking for validation, venting, or a solution? Define what you need from the other person, such as simply listening, offering a hug, or providing reassurance. Be specific about what reassurance looks like to you.

  4. Propose a Solution:

    • Request: Suggest a solution to address the problem. Clearly state what you would like your partner to do in the future to prevent the issue from recurring.

  5. Open to Compromise:

    • Flexibility: Understand that your proposed solution might not be the only answer. Recognize that what seems simple to you might be challenging for the other person. Engage in a dialogue to understand their perspective and work together to find a mutually acceptable compromise.

Use this framework BEFORE you approach a hard conversation. This will help organize your thoughts and help you communicate your needs without accusing your partner.

Question for you to ask your partner

Is there anything that I do that bothers you? How can we change so that it doesn’t?

Tiny resentments can be hard to spot, so asking your partner this question and having a candid conversation can help facilitate putting out embers before it turns into a wildfire.

Action: Have occasional check-ins with your partner to ensure nothing is left festering

In Case You Missed it…

On last week’s Wednesday We, we talked about giving love the right way.

Giving love the right way consists of:

  1. Understanding your partner’s love language

  2. Communicate clearly

  3. Balancing support and space

  4. Encourage through THEIR love language

  5. Focus on their needs

  6. Celebrate meaningfully

Read more to of Are You Giving Love the Right Way? so that you and your partner feel loved and cherished properly

Read more Wednesday We Posts for actionable advice to improve relationships with others and more Monday Me Posts for improving your relationship with yourself

That’s all for this Wednesday We. Reply to this e-mail any findings you have and let me know what topics you would like me to explore!

In the meantime, Stay Smiling 😊

Linda

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